How to Deal with Conflict in Relationships - Relationship Advice - Thoughts on Arguments & Conflict Resolution
Today's blog transcript from the podcast show is about conflict in relationships and some thoughts, tips and insights on how to go about it! I highly recommend listening in to the right or downloading the podcast episode on itunes, stitcher, spotify or anywhere you listen into your podcasts because the transcript below may be not as accurate as tuning in! Below, is the powerful image I was talking about in the podcast episode.
Full Transcript of Today's Episode:
PLEASE NOTE BEFORE READING: I highly recommend you listen into the podcast show instead of reading through this transcript as this is done through a digital means. There may be errors in words, spelling, grammar and transcribing accuracy as a whole that don’t fully align with what was said during the podcast episode, so just keep that in mind. But, it’s here for you just in case you’d prefer to read through.
Hello everyone and welcome back to the podcast show. I am currently in Chiang Mai, Thailand and I am so happy to be here. We traveled last year to Asia for around six months and absolutely fell in love and then we moved back to Canada for around eight months and now we're back in Asia a permanently or just for an infinite amount of time. We're not really sure yet, but we are so happy and loving it here. It feels so good to be back. And today I have a new podcast show for you guys today. I wanted to talk about relationships and specifically more romantic relationships, but you can also use this information to help you maybe with your relationship with family members, with your parents, aunts and uncles, friends, coworkers. It can generalize quite well and when I say I'm going to be talking about relationships today, I'm specifically going to be talking about conflict arguments or when conflict arises within relationships or with your partner.
So I want to talk about a metaphor and I was writing this I think honestly months and months ago, and I was writing this while I was in a car and no, I was not driving the car, but I thought of it while I was in a car and we all get into conflict when we're in relationships. I mean that is normal and even healthy to have conflict, healthy conflict between relationships. And I was thinking that this metaphor may help you out. Now I want you to think about your relationship, your romantic relationship with your significant other and I want you to think about driving a car. So your relationship in the sense is going to be the car and where you're driving that car to in the heat of the moment when conflict arises is solving the problem. Now, what inspired me to talk about this metaphor is something I actually saw on instagram.
I believe I was scrolling and it was just an anonymous quote and the quote said, remember when fighting, it's you two against the problem, not you against him or her. And that just really hit home for me and I thought about it when I was in this car and it totally inspired this metaphor that when we're driving two separate cars, there's always going to be traffic coming in between our cars and you know, they'll cross over and they'll get into their own lane or it'll split us up. Like for example, when this happens, you know, when you've told someone that you'll meet them somewhere or you'll show them the way and they're not really familiar with the city. So you guys go in two separate cars and they follow along and sometimes they get kind of lost and there's a red light and you go through as the green and they stay at the red and you get split up.
Well, I kind of thought about it when we drive to separate cars and our relationships when we're in conflict, there's always gonna be things splitting us up. However, if we're driving in the same car, nothing is going to be able to split us up to the destination. Because when you're on the same team and you're not opposing against each other and instead of opposing against each other, you're in the same car, meaning on the same team, in the relationship on the same side, and the destination is to work towards the problem and to problem solve what that kind of destination is or to fix whatever it is that you're having conflict about together with teamwork, you're not going to get split up versus individualistic. And a lot of us, when we're in conflict, it's like we're driving to separate cars. We have two separate agendas and we have two different destinations when really we should always be focused on being in one car and being focused on the destination of resolving the conflict and the problem.
Because again, remember when you're fighting, it's you two in the same car against the problem getting to the same destination, not youtube in separate cars, getting to two different destinations, getting split up, not being on the same page and all of that. So I just like you to remember and think about this metaphor of next time you're in conflict, next time you're in a disagreement with your partner, think about it. Are we in the same car here? Are we in two separate cars? What is our destination here? Are we opposing to each other? Are we getting lost in translation? Are there red lights getting in the way and splitting us up? Are we changing lanes? Try to focus on the destination of solving the problem and being in the same car ride, not being in your two separate cars in going into who knows where.
So I just want to repeat that quote again that I saw on instagram. Remember when fighting, it's you two against the problem, not you against him or her. I also want to recommend something because what we see in today's society, especially with the new generation, is that they are so used to kind of this perfect imagery or this perfect expectation of relationships, whether that's from media or what have you, but they're assuming that it's always going to be ups and never going to be downs. And so when a down happens at crashes them so hard because they haven't prime themselves to know that that's a normal and healthy thing that happens in relationships and often conflict can bring people closer together, crying something out, figuring out what's going on and where they stand and where you stand at the end of the day. That can bring people closer together.
And I just want to inspire you if you're listening, if you're in a place of conflict in your relationship to not just throw it away. And I believe another quote that I came across a long time ago, it was something on the lines of, it was an old couple in the cartoon or something. And again, I, I don't remember where I saw this, but it just came to my mind and it said, what do you think you know, is the problem in today's relationships are? Or how have you been together for so long? Something on the lines of that. And the couple replied because we grew up in a time that when something was broken, we'd fix it and not throw it away. So I just want you to think about that as well. Now I'm not judging your personal situation, nor do I know your personal situation and I'm not talking about absolutely all relationships when I'm saying this.
You out of all people have to make decisions of course in tune with your gut feeling and what you feel is right for yourself, for the relationship, for family, for whatever that may be in your personal situation. I'm not giving any recommendations to that. I'm just saying that if in general on a lighter scale that you're in conflict as conflict does arise between two people to just not have your first instinct to throw it away and to dig a little bit deeper and to try to fix that problem instead of just throwing it in the trash. I know that you and I both and we all have met people who have been in relationships and conflict arises and they end the relationship too soon when it could have had so much potential and could have flourished into a really beautiful, magnificent relationship and thing that they had going on.
And I'm not telling you to dwell on past relationships, but honestly I know you know, this regret is the worst feeling ever, so it's better to put in the work and the time to be sure then to just throw it away too soon and I know that you've observed this or maybe that you've been part of it. And I'm not saying that there's any good or bad decisions kind of in life. I truly believe that everything does happen for a reason and in kind of a bigger picture. However, all I'm saying that in general, just to keep this in mind, and today too, there's so many people preaching, you know, cut all toxic people out of your life, cut all people that hurt you out of your life. If someone hurts your feelings, if someone makes you a certain way, cut them out of your life.
No, I mean I get where they're coming from, but this whole mentality of just cut everybody out that's ever wronged you, that's ever made you feel a certain way. That's awful. No, because sometimes it's you, is it you who's taking things a little bit too personally? Is it you that's the person that's interpreting things in a certain way? Is it you that's maybe having some things from your childhood or some things that really affect you in a certain way from the past dictating what's happening in your reaction right now and you're putting that onto that person and I know that's hard to swallow, but don't just cut everybody out of your life because you got into a fight with them or you got into a disagreement or because they hurt your feelings. Are they really, you know, damaged you in one way or another, because I'm sure you've heard someone's feelings too, and human conflict is normal.
At the end of the day, we are part of the animal kingdom and it happens, so I just want you to know that when society is just constantly telling you to just cut people out of your life and to break up with them or that that's not right. I understand on an extreme sense, and I'm not talking about abuse here and I'm not talking about those serious things that happen. Of course, seek help and do what you have to do in those situations. That is not what I'm talking about or what I'm going to go down in this podcast I'm talking about when conflict arises and when people's feelings get hurt. I mean it's natural. It happens and I don't know about you guys, but for me, I just see videos everywhere right now about how to cut out negative people are toxic people out of your life and I kind of want to put a spin on it that are you being the toxic person?
Are you being that negative person? Is it more about you and where you are in your life right now? Then that person, and maybe it's not, maybe it actually is that person and if that person is giving you like a visceral reaction to your body, you really have to ask yourself, why are you allowing them so much power over you and it's not so easy to cut everybody out of your life. If it's your family members, right? Or it's your spouse and you have kids together or you know what I'm saying? It's not always that simple as it is with strangers or acquaintances or people you have a one off meeting on, so we have to take onus and responsibility over our emotions here and I know that's easier said than done, but everything's easier said than done. I'm just trying to give you these insights and just provoke these thoughts so you can just think about it a little bit more.
Also, no hate on anybody who doing videos on toxic people and cutting people out of your life and that kind of stuff. Absolutely no hate. I fully believe we need all sorts of views and opinions in the world to form our views and opinions and I think that maybe in the future I'll do have a podcast. I'll do a podcast on maybe how to approach and deal with more negative people in your life or how to go about dealing with that in your mind and depersonalizing it to you and how to maybe come from a place of love and empathy to understand that. When we really understand that everyone at the end of the day has a different path and it has been hurt by something and they have different coping mechanisms than you, then it's not so personal anymore, so that's all I'm saying and I fully, fully have respect for all people in the world putting out content to help other people out, no matter what that may be, no matter if that's an opinion that I agree with or not because this is a platform that's open where we can share our insights and inspire other people as there are so many platforms today and I'm all about doing that, about sharing because that's some of the best things that we can do is share our gifts, share our view, share thoughts, share experiences, and share anything that we can to help people out.
One by one, brick by brick. Little by little. Also, when I'm saying this, I want to make one thing very clear. I am not at all perfect and I am not at all saying that I do all of these things and this is how centered and Zen and like this is how I approach conflicts. No, I'm not saying this. In fact, you'd be surprised that when people on podcast shows or youtube or anywhere you see really when they're talking about a certain topic, usually not always, but usually it's something that they themselves have struggled with and usually it entices them and they have these thoughts about it and they want to help other people who have been through similar situations. So this is also my way of staying accountable and my way of preaching what I want to become too. So it's therapeutic for me and hopefully it helps you out to.
Okay. Let's get back into the podcasts and the topic. Okay, so my next tip with dealing with conflict is the to beat theory. I like to call it, so two beads, three beads, whatever. It's a heartbeat that I'm talking about. Essentially, I'm just saying, take a step back, take a deep breath and take that time to really try to put things into perspective of what's actually going on, what is in the best interest of both your mental sanity, both your health, your day, your emotions, and what works best for you to both of your wellbeing essentially and maybe at a time when you're not in conflict. When you're doing well and things are going smoothly. Take some time out of your both your days and write down things that you could do. Like for example, I know it sounds really tacky, but safe words or things that you could say that of clicks to the other person that okay, this conflict may escalate and we need to really take two steps back and put things into perspective here of what's actually important.
Before we say some things we don't mean because at the end of the day, life is so short and no matter what you're fighting about the person that you deeply care about and love. If something was to happen to them 20 minutes from that argument and they walked out and something tragic happen, let's say they got into a car accident or they gotten, they got injured severely or something terrible happened, knock on wood, but let's say that happened. Would that fight really be worth it? Would what ever you guys were talking about prior to say something accidentally happening after? Would it even matter? Because I know when we're in conflict we can get angry and emotions arise and anger is totally normal and healthy and in fact expressing that is also normal and healthy. You shouldn't be keeping your anger inside and completely avoiding it and avoiding conflict because you and I both know that that is not healthy whatsoever.
There are healthy ways of taking out anger and there's ways of coping with it as well. I mean, if you guys never have conflict or never say what's on your mind or never buttheads, that's something to think about too because as the years passed by, things build up and the steam gets higher as you know, and then one day it's just gonna explode or it's going to show up in different ways. That may even be more damaging than just expressing your anger in the moment or sometimes just being angry and feeling that and noticing that and just having that time to be angry and battling it out a little bit. There's nothing wrong with doing that in healthy ways. Of course, with limits attached to it. I'm not talking about the extreme examples I'm talking about when things happen and arise in conflict, in a relationship, in a general sense.
However, if you're feeling that you can't cope with anger and that it's getting the best of you and it's just so hard to deal with, that's something that maybe you should talk to a coach or a therapist about or a psychologist about and there's absolutely no shame in doing that at all. I mean, we're animals like we have advanced very quickly, but our neurology and a lot of our biology has stayed pretty much the same for the most part, like it hasn't advanced as quickly as we have as a society and in terms of our way of life today than it was, you know, thousands of years ago. So when we're in fight or flight mode, our brain doesn't really know the difference between a lion chasing after us or us feeling distress from some other reason. So I just want to remind you guys to just think about it that I'm fighting with this person and I'm angry with this person and this is how I'm feeling.
But if something was to happen to them tomorrow, like just think about that. Doesn't that just make your, your heart stop. It's, it's crazy. Right? But sometimes thinking about that and thinking that you're angry at this person right now, but if something was to happen to them, oh my God, would you be affected and wish that you had spent your time differently with that person and saw the light and saw what was actually important. So I know I'm rambling a bit, but I want you to just think about that. That life is short and you truly deeply care about this person and maybe when you're not in conflict with that person, you can sit down and write down a few problem solving tactics that may help you and your partner next time it arises and instead of blaming or using words like you're doing this to me.
Try switching out those words too. I'm feeling this way. This is how I'm feeling. This is how I felt when this happened. Try to almost depersonalize it to that person. Make it more objective so that it's more about feelings and more about the events that happened and less about blaming and I think that could really help you out. Now talking about all this conflict will arise. There's never going to be a time in your life where there's absolutely zero conflict and zero feelings and zero emotion. I mean, of course for fleeting moments and for, for, you know, a couple of hours and stuff, but humans living together, two human beings living together in a space for years and years and years and a prolonged period of time. I mean, conflict is just going to arise. It's pretty amazing to even think that two individuals from completely different backgrounds that have completely different, you know, hobbies and likes and thought processes and opinions and all of this happening at once can share that space in a harmonized way.
So it's pretty miraculous that we can even do that with our partner. And one thing I also wanted you to think about that I remember for my positive psychology classes years and years ago was one of the lectures I believe it was about. I don't even remember what the lecture was about, but this just stood out to me that the professor said and he said that, isn't it funny that we get all dressed up and already. And we are so careful about what we say and were so kind and courteous to complete strangers like say on the bus or when we have company over for dinner and we get everything so ready and so beautiful and we are so nice to people we meet that are complete acquaintances. However we treat our significant other, the absolute worse or just don't try in the ways we do when they get home or when we leave home or to make things special for them compared to complete strangers or acquaintances or our coworkers that we don't even spend intimate time with or aren't the most important people in our lives.
And it's so crazy because it's true, right? The people who you were absolutely closest with you are in a sense the most comfortable with to show the good and the bad sides of you and the people who you're not close with and there's a lot of distance there. You're not going to show that side of you too. So it's kind of a blessing and a curse because of course you're comfortable with them so you can show that side. But it's also a reminder to make things special and to treat them well and to be the way that you are with acquaintances, with your partner in those good ways. And I believe this last quote was, I believe it was Tony Robbins, but he said that I'm paraphrasing, I'm completely paraphrasing, so don't get mad at me, but he said something on the lines of if you treat your partner the way you did in the beginning in the relationship, there will be no end to that relationship.
So that's just another insight to just think about. Think about the beginning, think about the first couple of dates or the honeymoon phase and when you had so much nerve and butterflies filling your body and how every little thing and every little moment time slowed down. You have to think about those things and you have to keep those memories alive in whatever way works for you and how you want to go about it and do that. For example, me and my partner have a treasure box that we've literally had since we were 13 years old because I met him when I was 13 years old and ever since we were 13 we would keep like little movie tickets and little napkins that we wrote things on at cafes or just little things that meant a lot to us, like little keepsakes sentimental things and we kept it in this treasure box and I remember when we were evacuating for a fire that was literally the only thing we cared about was our treasure box because those were just such monumental things for us in our lives.
Like we could care less about the other things that we owned or clothing or shoes or whatever. Like the other possessions that we had. But that treasure box, that was the most important thing. And if you're wondering, yes, we still have it. Actually the house was completely saved, so grateful that it was saved, but yes, we still have that treasure box and even if you don't have a treasure box, just that fondness. Creating that memory of fondness and talking about things that create fondness around you and your partner. That's really important. Maybe before you go to sleep one night or every night if you want to create it into a ritual, talk about a memory, a positive memory that you guys had like, Hey, remember, remember our first dance or remember this crazy party that we went to. I remember our first Christmas together or whatever it may have been for you.
Create that fondness and when you walked down those pathways in your brain more and more often because a lot of the time, to be honest, we're on autopilot and we don't think about these things anymore because we're just with that person today and we sometimes forget about all the history and all the amazing moments and of course it's what you focus on two and when you walk down those neuropathways and you exercise them a bit more. It's incredible. The gratitude and the positive feelings you'll feel towards your partner again because you'll be remembering the good and you'll be focusing on the good and when you're in conflict, sometimes just placing your hand on your partner's hand and sometimes just holding their hand just physiologically on a physical level, showing love, but you can be so angry inside and you can feel anger and you can be in conflict, but just the simple act of holding that person's hand and kind of forcing it.
That'll just let your guard down a little bit and there's one super powerful image that I found. I'll share it on the blog, but it's basically two children. Oh, this is. It's so hard to explain it so much easier for you guys to just see it, but I'll share it on a story on my instagram, but I'll also share it on the blog. It's an image of two children, babies and they're kind of it. It's two adults and their backs are opposite of each other, so they're not facing each other. They're looking the other way, but it's two little babies within their bodies and it's like they're in a cage kind of and the two babies are facing each other and they're wanting to hold hands, but the two adult bodies are looking the other way and it just comes to show that on the inside all we want is connection and love and to feel loved and to feel heard and to feel appreciated and even if we're on different pages, sometimes think about your states, think about what state you're in because that could highly affected as well.
Think about it. Have I been fed? Am I sleep deprived? There's so many things that can affect our mood and our state that is not at all in relation to our partner and completely a different variable there, so sometimes it's not just that the conflict is happening and that there is a problem. Sometimes it's honestly hormones, hydration and empty stomach. There's so much play here, but when you see that image of those two babies and you see them in the adult bodies, that image is so powerful because it shows that even when we're in conflict and we're feeling so unheard and so unloved and so angry that all we really want to do inside. If we look deep inside and let our ego down and our guard down and we really truly look deep inside, we want connection and we want to hold that person's hand as we would as an innocent child because children have no filters, right?
All they want to do is they want to feel loved and they say what's on their mind and as we grow up as adults, that kind of gets a little bit a little bit faded and it's up to us to keep that alive. So I just want you to think about those things and I know I rambled a lot about this and I know I rambled a lot in this podcast on relationships, but I just wanted to give you a few relationship tips in there. As I was just talking. And this was a complete, just turn on my mic and talk because I had it in my mind and in my heart to talk about conflict and relational conflict today. I apologize too if you heard some construction noise or some airplanes because the apartment we're living in in Chiang Mai right now. Um, they're having some construction done in the unit upstairs above us, so I apologize for that.
But hopefully this podcast was helpful to you and it feels so good for me to be able to record again for you guys and I am so excited for the podcast this month and there's also one seat still left that I've opened up for my free coaching offering that I wanted to give you guys. So basically I'll coach you for free for two months and it can be either business strategy coaching or life coaching or on the more psychological side if you'd like that. And that is going to be open and that will start in January. So basically you'll get two free months of coaching and then a very discounted price after that. It's just my little gift to you guys and I want it to be able to pay it forward in some way to just help some people out from this podcast show and I am going to be taking on new clients for my regular coaching practice, February of Twenty 19.
So stay tuned for that. It's just been really busy for us so I haven't been able to take on new clients, but I'm very much looking forward to taking on new clients and to helping you guys out in any way that I can. Whether that's one on one in depth with coaching or whether that's just here on the podcast show. So thanks so much for listening and I will talk to you guys next week and happy December and just take time out of your day. If you can just take two beats and just tell the people you love, how grateful you are for them. As cheesy as it does sound and sometimes it can feel a bit forced, but sometimes we just have to break those barriers and lighten them up a little bit to get deeper in. And I know that there can be pain and there can be feelings and people can feel really hurt, but if that's something that you need to work through, that something that maybe a therapist or a coach can help you through as well, that you shouldn't be putting on the shoulders of your partner entirely as well.
So look into that and just in the holiday season too, it's just such a great time too. Get cozied up and express those feelings, but also just not at this time of the year, but all times of the year. And if you haven't heard my five love languages podcast, I highly recommend that one taking the quiz and obviously the one I believe I did on how to deepen your relationships in three words. So that one is also a great one to listen to you. Okay guys, that's enough talking for me. Happy December and I will talk to you real soon!
Sending you BIG love today & always!
My whole heart, ♡